I have been dreading telling all my friends and family. Andy and I came up with the idea that sending a longer detailed text message would not be inappropriate in any way. I was just dreading having to call everyone and have the same conversations and dealing with questions, etc. I am just not strong enough yet. I wrote the message on Friday, but didn’t want to ruin anyone’s weekend so I waited until Sunday, which is a shitty day anyway if you work Monday-Friday like most people. I received encouraging text messages from everyone whom I messaged. Andy sent messages to some of his friends too. We started realizing how lucky we are to have such amazing support from people. I feel I could reach out to any one of them and they would help us out in a second. That is a good feeling.
Although I cried when I received each caring response, I am feeling relieved that everyone I love and care about knows what is going on now. I feel stronger than I have in days.
Andy had a back spasm today, I think it was from the stress and from all the mindless television we have been watching the past week. Poor guy. I am not happy that he is in pain, but it gave my mind an excuse to stop worrying about myself for a second.
I still haven’t been able to get any schoolwork done. I emailed my professor again to let her know what is going on.
Oncology appointment tomorrow. I am surprisingly not nervous for it. Tomorrow could be different of course, but I am feeling ok right now. I guess I am ready to get this whole thing started, I am sick of sitting around and waiting and dreading.
While doing laundry today for the first time since I was diagnosed, I realized everything from here on out is going to be “before cancer,” or “after cancer.” It is such a definite line. I was digging into my laundry basket and on top were several bloody sports bras (from the biopsy). On my way down I found clothes that I had worn prior to learning my boob is trying to kill me. It was a weird realization.
I am finding that the mornings are the worst for my anxiety, so I decided to not drink coffee until the afternoon when my mind usually feels better. I don’t know what it is, but I wake up and immediately feel panicked. After time, I start to feel better and then, by the afternoon and evening I am feeling much better. I didn’t drink coffee until 3pm today, and that seemed to help. I think I might try and make an appointment with one of the oncology team’s social workers. It couldn’t hurt to have someone to talk to other than Andy, and to talk about some of the feelings I am having that I don’t want to burden him with all the time.
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